trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
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