his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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