My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
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