I threw up into my coffee this morning.
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Randomize
