i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
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