My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
nothing this campus sells is worth it. not even sex.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
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