My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Randomize
