I am puke
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
