I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
I like to think it a success when the cops are called
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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