I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
Randomize
