It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Randomize
