I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
Randomize
