My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize