There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
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