Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Randomize