Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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