Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
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