I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
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