i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
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