I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
Don't make out with my wife yet
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
Randomize
