i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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