My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
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