Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
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