My room smells like vodka and shame
I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
