lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
