I can text with my tongue
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
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