his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
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