I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
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