hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
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