I'm pants shitting drunk right now
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Randomize
