im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
