Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
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