i'm in the guys across the halls apartment. i think 7 MIP guy wants me. he just got a medical marijuana card. might be worth it.
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
Randomize
