dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
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