My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize
