Dude my mom stole all your condoms
She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
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