Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Randomize
