Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
I am midnight drunk by noon
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Randomize
