You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
Randomize
