I have demons in me.
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
