Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
Jake was my 1st thought but I seriously thought u already did him... & then there's the getting the clap story... so I settled on Ben for my guess.
I have done Jake, not Ben. But this was fresh meat. And P.S. it was ghonnerea.
Ahh, yes. It's apparently too early in the morning to keep your partners and their std's straight.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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