so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Randomize