thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
time to smoke my breakfast
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
Randomize
