If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
Randomize
