Someone shit on the floor
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Randomize
