My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
