just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize
