also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
