I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
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