life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
