You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
We talked him into tasing himself.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
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