the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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