I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
is he apposed to sex in general? or just porch sex?
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
