Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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