I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
Randomize
