I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
