never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
Goodbye hot boy in my geo class...goodbye my lover, goodbye my friend. you have been the one, you have been the reason I came to claassss
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
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