I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
Why did my mother make you get naked?
Randomize
