Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
i think my cat just said my name.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
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