just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Randomize
