The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Randomize