I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
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