HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
