oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
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