"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
So many bounce houses so little time
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Walk of Shame today included voting.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize