and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
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