Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
Randomize
