I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Randomize
